How to Spot a Midwife by Her...

1. Hand washing: religious

For the full twenty seconds. She may even sing 'Twinkle twinkle little star' to make sure it is twenty seconds. Watered down soap drives her crazy. Lack of cleanliness is the main reason Doctors had 5x the number of maternal deaths than midwives in the 1840s. She knew it before Ignaz Semmelweis.

2. Dinner conversation: all things birth

If there is anyone slightly willing to talk listen to talk about pregnant mommies she will talk about it. She lives and breathes midwifery. In fact, she may even eat it.

placenta cake

3. Texts received: on every subject

Every subject including discharge from every part of the body with detailed descriptions. This is not a text from an actual patient but it is very similar to many actual texts I have received. Minus the shorthand in a language I barely know.

4. Nail polish: none

Chipped nail polish is the perfect place to grow unfriendly bacteria which cause infection in patients.

5. Nails clipped: short

Ditto on the infection. Long nails are also bad for certain other midwife things. If one has to do CPR on a baby fingernails can cut the baby's skin. If a placenta needs to be manually removed long nails can tear up the placenta or even uterine wall muscles. Even taking a pulse or palpating a baby with long nails is simply mean to the mother's poor skin.

6. Sleeping habits: none

'nough said.