Sunflowers

I'm sitting at the LA airport waiting the eight hours until I can check my bags. I think I can safely say that one of the hardest parts of being a missionary is saying goodbye. Perhaps second only to the intense loneliness that comes afterwards... and lasts way too long. It just keeps happening and gets worse every time. When you are oceans away from family and friends you feel in 'limbo', like you are hanging between two different countries.

In the past five hours I have walked around, stretched, messaged friends, cried really hard in front of strangers walking past (twice), read my bible, and colored in my journal. God often talks to us only after we have waited on him and I've been waiting for a very long time. Just now, I thought he was telling me something about sunflowers but I couldn't quite make it out so I looked up sunflowers.

When sunflowers are young, they 'follow' the sun. Before it comes up in the morning, they are facing east, waiting for it to rise. As the sun moves across the sky, the flower's stem grows unevenly-faster on the east side-which tilts the flower to the west. At night, the stem grows unevenly as well, faster on the other side, so that by sunrise the flower is facing east again. With this flower's fascination with the sun, it's no wonder it starts to look like one.

So what's the spiritual lesson? If you want to be beautiful, if you want to look like Jesus, don't take your eyes off him. Live facing whatever light you have! In the seasons of life that feel dark, struggle through them rather than giving up. That way when the sun reappears you will already be facing it.

Because I am human, I will cry. I will continue to feel like my heart has been ripped apart and scattered all over the globe. But I will keep my face turned towards the light that I have, the pieces I am allowed to keep, the joys and people God has given me for the season I'm in. One day I will be in a place where there is no more darkness and all my loved ones will be in one place with me. I want to be ready when the time comes and bear the mark of Jesus in the meantime.

How to Spot a Midwife by Her...

1. Hand washing: religious

For the full twenty seconds. She may even sing 'Twinkle twinkle little star' to make sure it is twenty seconds. Watered down soap drives her crazy. Lack of cleanliness is the main reason Doctors had 5x the number of maternal deaths than midwives in the 1840s. She knew it before Ignaz Semmelweis.

2. Dinner conversation: all things birth

If there is anyone slightly willing to talk listen to talk about pregnant mommies she will talk about it. She lives and breathes midwifery. In fact, she may even eat it.

placenta cake

3. Texts received: on every subject

Every subject including discharge from every part of the body with detailed descriptions. This is not a text from an actual patient but it is very similar to many actual texts I have received. Minus the shorthand in a language I barely know.

4. Nail polish: none

Chipped nail polish is the perfect place to grow unfriendly bacteria which cause infection in patients.

5. Nails clipped: short

Ditto on the infection. Long nails are also bad for certain other midwife things. If one has to do CPR on a baby fingernails can cut the baby's skin. If a placenta needs to be manually removed long nails can tear up the placenta or even uterine wall muscles. Even taking a pulse or palpating a baby with long nails is simply mean to the mother's poor skin.

6. Sleeping habits: none

'nough said.

Another Lesson on Trust

It keeps coming back, are you willing to trust God through anything? Will you believe that He is good even if experience tells you otherwise? Will you believe that He is in control? That He loves you and sees you?

This morning I've been thinking about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. If we didn't know the rest of the story, it would appear that God was too late. They desperately needed a miracle the moment they heard about the idol. But God did not give it. I'm sure that as they stood with hearts pounding listening to the music begin they were begging God to intervene. He could have easily had someone call them to the other room for some little reason at that moment. He could have reminded Nebuchadnezzar of the declaration Nebuchadnezzar himself had made about the true God of gods and Lord of lords not long before. He could have struck down that idol with a mighty wind.

These three men needed a miracle and did not get it. When they stood listening to the king's anger and were given a chance to respond, God could have changed the king's heart, could have given the men wise, persuasive words to talk themselves out of the situation. They needed a miracle as they were being bound and did not get it. But what did they answer the king?

"Even if our God does not save us, we will not bow down to the idol."

And so they were thrown in. God allowed them to be bound. He allowed those mighty men to grab them and throw them right into the middle of the fire. He didn't save them. Or did He?

We know the rest of the story. It is often told as a story of triumph. But I think we can take away some other lessons as well. Because we can't see the end of our story either. God often triumphs after it seams evil has already won. After they were thrown in the furnace. After God's son was killed. After Jonah was swallowed. After Daniel was thrown to the lions. After Esther's husband had given the un-reversable order to kill her people. After lazarus had died. When it is all over. That's when He triumphs. And it brings him greater glory.

God will always win. What he asks is whether you will trust him -- even if he doesn't. After he has "lost." We are so often tempted to say what Mary and Martha said, "Lord, if only you had been here, my brother had not died." If only you would give the miracle before it's over! If only you would save us now! It's almost too late! Please! Sometimes he does, but so often He doesn't. He asks if we will have the faith of Abraham. Abraham believed that God would keep his promise of thousands of grandchildren through his son Isaac even if Isaac was dead. Even if.

For some people the triumph will not come until after they have died. Until the new heaven and new earth. But it will be real. And it will be amazing. Things will not just be finally liveable but the entire story will really be put to right.

These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth...wherefore God is not ashamed to be called their God: for he hath prepared for them a city. Hebrews 11:13, 16b

Daniel chapter 3
Mathew chapter 27-28
The book of Jonah
Daniel chapter 6
The book of Esther
John Chapter 11
Hebrews 11:17-19

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXMPNXXnCls

"Trust in You"

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet 
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!

Home

I am a homebody. I enjoy going out and having a little adventure sometimes but mostly I like to be home. It's not that I'm scared or feel more secure at home, it's just that home is a pleasant place where I feel more energized and am able to function my best.

When I was younger, I spent the majority of my time, in fact most of it, at home. When I got my first job I was suddenly gone a much larger percentage of the time. I came to realize just how close I was to my family and just how much I loved every room in the house and every rock and tree on my mountain. I got a couple more jobs and started doing more things at church and eventually I was only home a few days a month and long enough to sleep every night. Then I moved to the Philippines and then I was in the mountains for a month with no contact whatsoever with my family.

My journey keeps taking me farther and farther away. And my heart hurts at each step and I grow more tired each time. Surprisingly, the move to the other side of the world was not the biggest step. The biggest was when I gradually began to realize that I had changed, and that even if I returned, I would not fit in. Not really.

Here in the Philippines there is no direct translation of 'home' so sometimes in English it gets translated literally as 'your place.' Every time someone asks 'do you have that in your place?' or 'when are you going to your place?' I'm not sure if they mean the dorm or the US. Where is my place?

But maybe I have gone even farther than that. The past few months I have taken to heart some things I already knew about life. There are things happening here that make me hate this world.

People say that when they visit a third world country their eyes are opened to just how much better we have it in the U.S.  Mmm... no, I think these horrible things were happening there too. It's just that as the illusion of home fell away, I was able to see them more clearly. And they make me hate it. I never want to call any place home if it is on the same planet with all this pain and confusion. Everywhere I go I will feel far away in an unfriendly place.

In my heart 'home' has shifted from Aurora, WV to my final destination beyond the skies. It is a little hard because I am very tired and I know it will take longer to get there, but I am thankful because I know not everyone has that place and I know my home there is sure. My father will be waiting for me along with innumerable brothers and sisters. I will never again have to leave or say goodbye.

This World is not my Home I'm just a-passing through,

My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue.

The angels beckon me from heaven's open door

And I can't feel at home in this world any more.

Oh Lord, you know I have no friend like you

If heaven's not my home then, Lord, what will I do?

The angels beckon me from heaven's open door

And I can't feel at home in this world any more.

I have a loving savior up in glory land

I don't expect to stop until I with him stand

He's waiting now for me in heaven's open door

And I can't feel at home in this world any more.

Oh Lord, you know I have no friend like you

If heaven's not my home then, Lord, what will I do?

The angels beckon me from heaven's open door

And I can't feel at home in this world any more.

Just up in glory land we'll live eternally

The saints on every hand are shouting victory

Their songs of sweetest praise drift back from heaven's shore

And I can't feel at home in this world any more.

Oh Lord, you know I have no friend like you

If heaven's not my home then, Lord, what will I do?

The angels beckon me from heaven's open door

And I can't feel at home in this world any more.

That is my place. For where your treasure is there your heart will be also.

My favorite things to watch when I am feeling homesick or just need to wind down

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Sometimes I just like to write this one slowly in my best cursive and it takes me home to my woods behind our house when everything is deathly still and so silent that time also stands still. It is there in the semi-darkness that I can hear Jesus' voice best and see his white masterpiece of beauty painted on everything.

Those woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

The Road Not Taken

This one I like because of the Fall leaves and because Jesus' straight and narrow path is the road not generally taken yet it is the one I chose. And that has made all the difference.

Happiness

 Growing up and especially through my teenage years, I, of course, thought about what I wanted to do  when I was old enough. For a long time, it seemed irrelevant because it was so far off. I felt like it wouldn't actually happen. Then, when It did, I suddenly had to decide what to do. There are so many paths to take, so many people who think their bandwagon is the right one. How does one know?

As a Christian who has been given eternal life, living in one of the richest countries in the world, I felt that I should give back some of what I had, to God and 'the least of these,' His brothers. I wanted to do His will. Slowly I learned to recognize God's voice and to just step out in faith. I decided on this mission clinic because I know from being God's friend and knowing his heart that what the people here do is important to Him. I had peace and a goal to work towards.

After I had objectively decided what to do after high school, a few weeks before I left, I started seeing all the things I could have chosen. Now that I wasn't being bombarded with ideas and a sense of duty, I saw what I liked.

I have always wanted to get married, ever since I can remember. Really bad. I have tried to give up that desire because the reality is that I am not married and even if I get married later on, wishing for it now is just a waste of time. I want to be content. But I am scared of being an old maid. I feel for that prophet's daughter who went out into the hills to mourn because she knew she would die single. Getting married at 30 seems almost as bad. But, married or not, there are things I would have enjoyed if I had stayed in the states.

A year or so out of high school, I could have gotten a little house all my own and some chickens. I could have taken my sister to hike the Appalachian trail. I could have gone to our friend's civil war balls and learned how to dance. I could have gotten more involved with church activities and the youth group. I could have stayed within visiting distance of my family. I could have found all the Christian/Homeschool gatherings in the states and taken my siblings to them. I could have traveled but always come back after a month or so. I could have learned to play the piano. I might even have met someone not too far off down the road.

But I am here. Stuck for three years. And I love it. But I still really want all that. Very badly. So I told myself, three years is not that long, just do all of that when you get back. And God allowed me to think that for awhile. But recently I began to wonder, what will I do if God calls me somewhere else after this? The same as He called me here. After all, this is a mission school. He might want to use my training for more than a few months overseas every couple years. What if that place, too, is far from family and fun? What if it is a dangerous country? And what, (oh dear) if I never get married?

Then God asked me, "Can you trust me with your happiness?" That is a huge question. Happiness is something very close to my heart. That is almost as big as trusting him with the salvation of my soul. Could you trust someone else with your happiness? It is hard to answer when I look at myself and my life but when I look at Him, I know him so well that I know the answer is yes. He is trustworthy.

It is frustrating to try to lay down the desire for a husband because it is a God-given part of me. But I think this is what my dad meant when he talked about one season of his own life, "If it is just you and God, would that be ok?" "Can you trust Him with your happiness?" It is freeing to say yes. Truly, the more you try to take control, the more bound you become. "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Thinking about it now, I know I would not be really happy any other way anyway. "In thy presence is fullness of joy."

Dancing

Let them praise his name in the dance:
let them sing praises unto him with the timbrel and harp.
Psalm 139:3

Lately I've been thinking about how much a Christian's walk with the Lord is like a dance. He leads, I follow. Sometimes He does more, sometimes he asks me to do more. It takes hard work to learn each part. And it should always be joyful.

I'm learning to dance.

Stepping out in Faith

I am now going do discus one of the deep truths of missionary life in the Philippines. It's actually more like a skill that every single one of the girls here has to learn or die trying.

Crossing a Philippine street.

I always feel like one of the Israelite priests standing on the edge of the Jordan river looking at the raging water and swirling currants.

"What? I'm supposed to jump in?"

And jump in I do and so far God has gotten me across every time, though I did notice some glares a couple of times when I did not see which way a car or motorcycle was headed.

Pedestrians do not have the right of way, nor do there seem to be any rules for the traffic. If there is a stop light, they stop on red but that is about it. If your vehicle can fit, have at it! I've never seen a stop sign here. Nor have I seen any accidents. Everything moves pretty slowly so that helps.

Ah, the joys of a strange country!

Why Me?

Sometimes I wonder how many people live in Africa and think how most of them have been effected, some profoundly, by all the wars and guerrilla attacks that tear through the continent. I think of all the tribes who live way back in the hills of South America and Australia and around the world who have to walk for days just to get water. 

And I think, “Why me?” 

I wonder and pray for all the girls in India who have been raped and then shamed for it. I think of all the Christians in China who are not free to worship openly and all the families through church history who have been persecuted for their faith. I take a nice, hot shower and think that no king in the Middle Ages or all the way back to the beginning of the world had such a shower. 

And I think, “Why me?” 

Why was I put in a wonderful family whose parents love each other, never yell, and never even thought about divorce? Why do we have 3-4 Bibles per person when so many others cannot read, don’t have the Bible in their language, and have never heard the gospel? So many people. Why was I chosen? Was I chosen? I don’t know. I am not perfect. I have filled whole pages of my diary with all my faults. Yet I have all these gifts. I have even been given eternal life while so many have searched in vain for the fountain of youth.

I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all. Ecclesiastes 9:10

It doesn’t seam fair. I don’t know what else to say about it besides I trust that God knows what He is doing.

I was always confused by the people who had something tragic happen like their daughter was killed in an accident and they asked, “Why me?” Yes, they need to grieve. Yes, it was a terrible thing. But why should you get any more favor than other people? The next time you want to ask, “Why me?” stop and ask, “Why is my daughter in the arms of Jesus while someone else’s daughter was kidnapped and sold?” “Why me?”

And be ye thankful. Colossians 3:15b

Resurrection Sunday: My Favorite Holiday

Early this morning, earlier even than when Mary and the other women went to the tomb on the first Easter, a new little baby was born. I did not arrive in time to witness the event but I did get to see the sweet, innocent little girl. She was a miracle and a glory to her creator. I hope she understands some day about all that Jesus did for her on her birthday.

As I was driving home, I was looking at the huge full moon. It lingered even as the sky got lighter. I've had this thought in the back of my mind for awhile but I could never materialize it. I have never been a good writer. The couple poems I tried flopped but this one I wanted to bring glory to God so I asked him to help me put it into words. If it's any good it's because of him.

Rose-Red

They say the moon is romantic,
The love of my life gave me the moon.
They say roses are for lovers,
My beloved made me dozens.
They say the ultimate love is to lay down your life,
He died for me.
And his blood dripped down.
And the moon turned rose-red.

They say love songs are powerful,
My God created music.
They say birth is joyful,
My Lord is the giver of life.
They say no-one can defeat the grave,
But Christ has the victory.
And he gives it to me.
And I have joy.

Happy Easter!

My new FAVORITE place

This morning I took the College Comp. CLEP test at GC. I am glad it is over but I won't get the results for a while because it is graded by actual people. Anyway, I finished about 11:00. I had Ann and La along since Ann had a test at 1:00 and La could study in the school library. We went to BK for lunch and then had an hour to waste. So we went to this little cafe in Deep creek. Each of us had been there once or twice before but just for a few min. so Papa could get coffee or something. This time Annie treated us to hot chocolate and we all went to the back where there was a nice little lounge with a fireplace.

 I got pumpkin hot chocolate which is better than pumpkin coffee and also better than the other girls' 'smores hot chocolate even though it sounded better.

 Bad camera but isn't this a cute clock?

 Ann is trying not to worry about her test which, of course, she passed.

I am already planning my all day study visit. I will go on a Friday or Monday...or maybe tomorrow...after my busy work week. I will wash my hair the night before and braid it wet and sleep in it because I like those waves and I am afraid of a curling iron.

I'll wear it like this and dress up nice. I'll go in the morning and bring school books and some money for lunch-yes they serve sandwiches-and plan on spending the day. I will sit in the back by the fire and use their nice wi-fi if I need it. I may even buy a nice mug and sip a hot drink all day. It will be Christmas only better! 

Engagement Rings

Wow that caught your eye didn't it? :) No I am not engaged nor do I have a boyfriend. But just like every other girl I like to dream and who knows? Maybe my future husband will someday read my blog!

Papa says that it is silly how guys are expected to spend so much money on rings when they are trying to get a house set up. I agree but I have also looked forward to a ring as something I can wear proudly to let people know 'I am engaged' or as a symbol of my covenant. Today I found a lady who makes jewelry that I like and is cheap. Connie Pardini at Wirestorm Creations Most of the jewelry she has online right now I DO NOT like but many of the things she had at the farmer's market in Oakland were original and lovely. I'd be ok with a conventional engagement ring but it would be fun to have something different. Here is one of her rings that I bought today as a special treat.

The flowers are too tall to be practical to wear all the time so I would want a smaller one for engagement/wedding. Her jewelry or pretty hair sticks and barretts would be good for birthday, christmas, anniversary or anything like that.

If I had to have a stone in my ring I might choose opal. It is not really my style but it is my birthstone which is cool and I like the symbolism of it. The colors of opal do not show unless there is light shining on them and then they dance and sparkle just like a butterfly or hhummingbird In the same way when God's light shines on me I am so much more beautiful than otherwise. Also, I want to be a multi-colored girl like the fire opal which has many colors.

I've got to say before I leave, I had planned a fall post complete with pumpkin pie and sweaters but it is just not coming together. I guess I will have to enjoy it by myself this year. :)

Quote of the Day

"Better to love God and die unknown than to love the world and be a hero; better to be content with poverty than to die a slave to wealth; better to have taken some risks and lost than to have done nothing and succeeded at it." --Erwin Lutzer

Isaiah 64:8

But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, 

and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.

2Co 4:6 For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, 

to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

 7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, 

that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

Jg 7:16 And he divided the three hundred men into three companies, and he put a trumpet in every man's hand, with empty pitchers, and lamps within the pitchers.
 17 And he said unto them, Look on me, and do likewise: and, behold, when I come to the outside of the camp, it shall be that, as I do, so shall ye do.

 18 When I blow with a trumpet, I and all that are with me, then blow ye the trumpets also on every side of all the camp, and say, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon.
 19 So Gideon, and the hundred men that were with him, came unto the outside of the camp in the beginning of the middle watch; and they had but newly set the watch: and they blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers that were in their hands.

 20 And the three companies blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers, and held the lamps in their left hands, and the trumpets in their right hands to blow withal: and they cried, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon.

       

2Co 4:8 ¶ We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;
 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;
 10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.

 11 For we which live are alway delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh.
 12 So then death worketh in us, but life in you.
 13  We having the same spirit of faith, according as it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak;
 14 Knowing that he which raised up the Lord Jesus shall raise up us also by Jesus, and shall present us with you.

 15 For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God.
 16 For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.
 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;
 18 While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.