Happiness

 Growing up and especially through my teenage years, I, of course, thought about what I wanted to do  when I was old enough. For a long time, it seemed irrelevant because it was so far off. I felt like it wouldn't actually happen. Then, when It did, I suddenly had to decide what to do. There are so many paths to take, so many people who think their bandwagon is the right one. How does one know?

As a Christian who has been given eternal life, living in one of the richest countries in the world, I felt that I should give back some of what I had, to God and 'the least of these,' His brothers. I wanted to do His will. Slowly I learned to recognize God's voice and to just step out in faith. I decided on this mission clinic because I know from being God's friend and knowing his heart that what the people here do is important to Him. I had peace and a goal to work towards.

After I had objectively decided what to do after high school, a few weeks before I left, I started seeing all the things I could have chosen. Now that I wasn't being bombarded with ideas and a sense of duty, I saw what I liked.

I have always wanted to get married, ever since I can remember. Really bad. I have tried to give up that desire because the reality is that I am not married and even if I get married later on, wishing for it now is just a waste of time. I want to be content. But I am scared of being an old maid. I feel for that prophet's daughter who went out into the hills to mourn because she knew she would die single. Getting married at 30 seems almost as bad. But, married or not, there are things I would have enjoyed if I had stayed in the states.

A year or so out of high school, I could have gotten a little house all my own and some chickens. I could have taken my sister to hike the Appalachian trail. I could have gone to our friend's civil war balls and learned how to dance. I could have gotten more involved with church activities and the youth group. I could have stayed within visiting distance of my family. I could have found all the Christian/Homeschool gatherings in the states and taken my siblings to them. I could have traveled but always come back after a month or so. I could have learned to play the piano. I might even have met someone not too far off down the road.

But I am here. Stuck for three years. And I love it. But I still really want all that. Very badly. So I told myself, three years is not that long, just do all of that when you get back. And God allowed me to think that for awhile. But recently I began to wonder, what will I do if God calls me somewhere else after this? The same as He called me here. After all, this is a mission school. He might want to use my training for more than a few months overseas every couple years. What if that place, too, is far from family and fun? What if it is a dangerous country? And what, (oh dear) if I never get married?

Then God asked me, "Can you trust me with your happiness?" That is a huge question. Happiness is something very close to my heart. That is almost as big as trusting him with the salvation of my soul. Could you trust someone else with your happiness? It is hard to answer when I look at myself and my life but when I look at Him, I know him so well that I know the answer is yes. He is trustworthy.

It is frustrating to try to lay down the desire for a husband because it is a God-given part of me. But I think this is what my dad meant when he talked about one season of his own life, "If it is just you and God, would that be ok?" "Can you trust Him with your happiness?" It is freeing to say yes. Truly, the more you try to take control, the more bound you become. "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." Thinking about it now, I know I would not be really happy any other way anyway. "In thy presence is fullness of joy."